Monday, February 15, 2010


Well as everyone knows Sunday was Valentin's day. I agree with one of my friends it is known as singles awareness day. LOL. Let's just say I didn't have the best Day that day. I did have fun going to church and seeing friends.But there was either to much love coming from the couples that are getting ready to get married before next year or hostility from the single people. Then it doesn't help when it is supposed to be a day about caring and there are people that start to argue around. And when no matter where you go, school, church, or just hanging out around the mall or what ever, you can see how people have their own little, groups, gangs, clubs, ect. It drives me nuts that people are still doing this ALL OVER. I don't like it when people have their own little clicks and only hang out with only certain people. It drove me nuts in high school and it still does to this day, and I am kind of surprised to see it at church. Were are supposed to be about helping everyone and being together yata yata, then why do I see every Sunday at munch and mingle the same people at the same tables with the same other people. you have your populars, outsiders, crazies, jocks, ect. Just like high school. I never picked a group then and I still don't really now. I have the people that know me better then the others but I try to talk to other people but it is hard when you get those looks, and when you feel like you are always being judged. And as hard as it may seem to believe I tend to be shy and keep to myself. It took me so long to becoming more outgoing and be more open to meeting people i don't know and it still is for me. I like having friends but most of the time I feel like some of them are fake friends. I am sorry if any of you that read this disagree with me, but this is what I see all the time everyday and I honestly am a little annoyed with it.

Saturday, February 6, 2010

Friday, February 5, 2010


So it has nearly been a month since I had addilynn. I have been trying to stay busy so I dont think to much but it seems no matter what I do I always end up thinking about her. I can't help but wounder how she is doing and what is going on with her now and what things may have changed about her. I am going to miss so much of her life and her growing up. It makes me kind of sad to think that her and I will never really ever be that close. Yes I will get to see her every year but we won't ever have that kind of bond you get when you grow up with someone. I am happy though that she has amazing parent right now that love her and are taking great care of her. I just hope that I can hear from them soon.

I have had a few doctors appointments due to complications I had after the pregnancy. Finally everything is looking so much better. I am a little nervous for drill (army reserves) I don't think I can fit into my uniform yet and I am sure my sgt is going to have me do a lot once I get there. I want to lose weight but I am not sure when I am really safe to work out the way I like to. I have to still drop 50 more pounds by june. I hope I can do it, but I did buy some work out videos to help me some. They better work well, I watched some of it and I think it will be kind of fun.

Now I have to try and find a job. Money seems to be such a problem in the world and in life. I want to try and find a job that I will make good pay but will also not want to quite due to lamness. I need to start saving so I can buy a plan ticket next year to fly down to the lower 48 to see addi for her first birthday. I already got a few applications and I hope to have them filled out soon. Life is just getting more and more crazy. And to top it all off I have a guy that I really like that is on his mission. Before he left we were dating for about 4-5 months. Well I think someone told him that I got pregnant before I got the chance to say anything to him. Now things are even more complicated if someone did cause then he wont think i trust him and I am scared to tell him stuff. Life is so crazy once you become an adult. I miss the good old days of childhood when things were simple and easier. The hardest thing was what you were going to eat for lunch/snack. You never worried about money, jobs, school, supporting your self/your family,or how you are going to do it all. I am very greatful for my parents and all they went through to give me everything I ever wanted. They did a good job raising me, I may not listen very well, but they did good. To everyone that is a parent thank you for all your hard work and love and care for your children, you are wounderful. And everyone should also thank their parents for putting up with you and doing all they could to supprt you and give you what you really needed.

Monday, January 25, 2010

2 weeks ago

So 2 weeks ago I was in the hospital giving birth to a beautiful baby girl. Well maybe I should go back more then 2 weeks. So 10 months ago I was being like any other 21 year old, going to the bars. Well one night I was walking to my friends place only a couple blocks from the bar when a car came up beside me. They rolled down their window and a guy started hitting on me, I was drunk so of course I was kinda flatered. Well he convinced me to come with him to the hotle that happened to be right across the street from my friends palce. And i am sure you all can guess what happened. Well about 3 weeks later I had yet to start my period so I took a pregnancy test and there it was in words PREGNANT. I honestly cried, I was so scared cause one- I am single two-I had a very poor job and three- how was I going to raise a child on my own with no place to really live once my room mates found out I was pregnant. Well things decided to become even more crazy. I was still going out to the bar to dance and hang out with my friends but I did stop smoking and drinking. Well guess who I saw there? The guy who got me pregnant, well I told him that I was and that he was the father. Lets just say he was not very happy, He told me to get an abortion, I told him NO, and after that he called me a bunch of bad names saying I was ruining his and my life if I keep the baby and that it was my fault. Well gladly I have not seen him since. so to add a little side note I am LDS (latter-day saint) . I was not sure what to do if I should keep the baby or do adoption. Some people said keep her, some said do adoption, and other said just do what you feel is right. So I spent many many months praying on what to do, and never got an answer till one day. I decided that I was going to keep her and said to god "if this is not the right thing you will let me know." Well the next day I lost my job so I think it was safe to say that I was not really ment to keep her. The funny thing is though I felt so good that I got an answer that adoption didnt bother me one bit. So a few weeks after that I got on an adoptive service and started looking for a couple. I made an account and due to the things I wanted and the things that other people were looking for it left me with 9 couples. I looked at them and I narrowed it down to two couples. Well one was just so great and the other was good but something was still missing. So i decided to send the couple I felt great about a message. The next day I got a reply and we started snding messages back and forth a few times and that was all it took. After only a few times talking I was sure they were the ones and I made it official by telling both them and my caseworker. They were so happy and still are to this day. So the last few months of my pragnancy I spent it emailing and talking on the phone with them getting to know them more and them getting to know me more. They are such a wounderful couple and just all around great people. I am blessed to have them be the parents of my child, and to have them be part of my life. I am glad that the adoption is open and that she will know that I am the one to give birth to her and that I love her so much that I gave her more then I ever could. Well the came up here to where I live on the 9th of Jan, and I met them at th airport and it was just a very happy day for all of us. Two days later I go in to the hospital cause I was in labor. Later that night I gave birth and her mom was in the room for the whole thing and just to see her face when she came out was just pure joy. I dont think I have ever seen someone ever so happy. I know I did the right thing, and yes it has been hard at times but knowing that she is safe and cared for and has amzing parents makes me feel better. She is already 2 weeks old and she is home down south with her mommy and daddy, it was a sad and hard day when they left, but it is better that they dont live so close so I don't try and but in and be her mom. I am glad that I do get to see her via pics and webcam, but I can't wait till next Jan so I can go down there and see her for her 1st birthday.